Listen up people

I think one of the things that has been hard for me being from China is that the longer I stay here, the more comfortable I feel with American culture. As I know more and more and get better and better, I care more and more and hate being considered the ignorant Chinese girl who doesn't know anything. It's true that, to some extent, when I first came here I was the ignorant girl who didn't know much about how you cook, play games, raise kids, and socialize. Now, however, 3 years later, I'm not as ignorant any more. People often say how far I have come, but I doubt many people understand how difficult of a process this battle has been. When people give suggestions about how to do things, intending to be helpful, I sometimes can't help but feel inadequate and sad. Not only might I feel that I still don't know how to do things the way you do them, but the very idea that others still assume (and maybe always will assume!) that I am still an ignorant girl from China is the most hurtful.

Of course, I realizes part of the problem is me being overly-sensitive. I know that I , just like everyone else, has a lot I can learn from other people, and the idea that everyone should stop giving me tips and suggestions is ridiculous. I still want to learn things and am grateful for everyone who has taught me (like pie crusts and rolls! Thanks Mom and Annie and Ann), but many things I feel I can do on my own and don't need others to tell me how to do them. For some things, people assume that because I do them differently they must be wrong. I think the main point is that I don't want to be treated like the special-ed kid, always being given easy assignments and having everyone assume I'm an idiot who couldn't possibly do things on my own, who couldn't possibly cook or raise kids or play games or socialize without being continuously told how to do it.

I realize one of the cultural differences that has led to me feeling inadequate is the Chinese tendency to be modest and put down our own achievements. In China, when someone does something really good, they tell everyone it's only OK or even not very good. In fact, it would be rude to gloat and brag about your accomplishments. Here, however, it seems that the opposite is true. I can tell that I've been bragging a lot more since I got here but still don't think I'm the same as other people. Sometimes I worry that because of this, people assume I must not be very good at being a wife and mother because I don't talk about it the same way they do. I don't know why I care so much about what other people think, and I know I probably shouldn't care and I should be more mature.

I guess it's because, being an outsider from a different place, the only way I know that I'm fitting in and progressing is by what other people think. If they think I'm still the ignorant girl from China, I'm failing and haven't progressed. Also, as I fit in better with family, church and friends, I care more and more about how you think about me.

I will work on being less sensitive, but I just wanted everyone to know what it's like to be me so that maybe you can be more sensitive!

:-)